The Bachelorette Recap: The Luke Ness Monster Is More Like a Robot


It feels kinda weird to watch The Bachelorette on a Tuesday night, but basketball made it so. Hannah Brown is the Steph Curry of Bachelorettes, maybe. Luke P. is definitely the Draymond Green of Bachelorette dudes. Anyway, this episode was worth waiting another day for.

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The episode started with the resolution of last week’s cliffhanger, with Hannah trying to get to the bottom of the conflict between the Lukes. Hannah’s face was a reaction meme for someone caught in the middle of an argument they didn’t want to be part of. She left, and then Chris Harrison came in and said, “This cocktail party is over. We’re going straight to the cocktail party.”

Before Hannah started giving out roses, Luke S. asked to talk to her. She was like “yeah, sure,” and he warned her to keep her eyes open about a certain someone. And then he left. Good move, Luke S. You were going to be eliminated anyway, so this was a more dignified exit.

Final rose of the night went to Luke P., of course. John Paul Jones and some other guy who I’d never seen before were eliminated. Hannah explained that Luke P. is still there because her heart wants him to be there, even though her head is not so sure. The boy is on thin ice, though.

Then it was off to Inverness, Scotland. The guys got to stay in a castle. Beautiful! Hannah said she was going to be Mary Queen of Scots without the beheading, and that if any of the guys got out of line she’d throw them to the Loch Ness Monster. Hannah told the guys they were all gonna do an emotional reset, which was nice. And then she picked Mike for the 1-on-1. The guys who were left then had to deal with Luke P., who they were all so done with. Jed warned him to not twist anybody’s words and go to Hannah with some snaky stuff.

Mike has such a nice smile. They walked around and went into shops and ate sour candy they got from a lad whose accent was so thick he needed subtitles. Hannah tried haggis. It seemed like a nice day. And Hannah and Mike finally got to talk about their own relationship, not about someone else. During the dinner portion of their date, Mike got nervous, because he was developing feelings for Hannah and was worried that he would eventually get his heart broken. He was cute. She gave him the rose.

Back at the hotel, Luke P. found out he was getting the next 1-on-1, and he was like, “I’m excited to see where it goes with Hannah,” a 180 from saying he was falling in love with her a couple of weeks ago. In an ITM, Devin called him a “big-ass douche canoe.”

On the group date, the guys did old Scottish games with some Braveheart-style reenactors. They threw axes, did a milk race, and wrestled. The best part of the date was that Luke P. wasn’t there. He was back at the hotel getting grilled by Mike about his intentions with Hannah. The guys put on kilts and did the stuff they’d just done, only in front of a crowd and with their junk flapping around beneath their tartans. They were flashing everybody while they wrestled.

Jed and Hannah made out hardcore during the cocktail party, and Kevin walked in on them. Then Peter cleared off a pool table and put Hannah on it, after a few false starts, and then they made out hardcore, too. It was kinda hot! She made out with Tyler, too, on a bed, which is more sexual than standing up.

The morning of Luke’s date, he tried to make small talk with the guys, and they just sat there silently. Garrett told him to be a man and keep their names out of his mouth. I almost felt sorry for the guy. It can’t feel good to be hated by everyone.

On the date, Hannah asked him why the other guys all hate him. He said it’s because of what happened with Luke S., which is not true. He was disliked before that. And Hannah was like “yeah, that’s not it.” She told him she wants a man that people are drawn to, which doesn’t seem to be happening with Luke. And Luke said “people love me,” which grossed Hannah out. She kept trying, though. How does this conflict with the other guys make Luke feel? He didn’t know. He didn’t really care. She got so frustrated with him and his lack of emotion. “Do you wanna know how it makes me feel?” she said. She needed more from him. No feelings, this guy. Kinda psycho!

Hannah finally let it out and was like, “Why can’t you be real with me and talk to me like a normal person instead of telling me what you think I want to hear with no emotion behind it?” And in spite of it all, she still likes him. Other guys who’ve made her this upset were gone for much less, but there’s something about him.

During dinner, they both admitted things did not go well earlier. Hannah wanted him to let the facade down and be real with her, and she kept pushing him to show some real emotion. He would not say how he felt about anything. He kept saying all this weird idealized stuff about how she’s perfect. She was like “I’m not!” It was so frustrating to watch. She was pouring out all of her emotional energy to try to get him to express something, and he just kept repeating himself about how hard it was. It was like she was trying to teach a robot how to feel.

Finally, she was spent. “Today was the worst a day has gone for me,” she said. She didn’t get to see who he really was. She wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him if he couldn’t give her what she needed. And she couldn’t give him a rose. We’ll see his reaction next week.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It’s available to stream on Hulu.

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